4 Steps to Changing your Attention and Focus

There is a universal law called the Law of Attraction, which simply says: What you think about, you bring about. In other words what we think about is where our attention and focus will be, this creates a form of energy; thus our experience in that moment. 

In today’s world there is much discontent. Many people are struggling with holding a loving, unconditional and peaceful focus and attention, due to much frustration, resentment and anger, with their personal/family relationships, workplace, government, etc. 

Many people want others to change to their own way of thinking and being. So our attention and focus is on those outside of us. Believing if others change – conform to our liking; this will make me feel safe, loved and happy.   

This way of thinking and being creates a dependence on others for our circumstances and happiness. Making others responsible for our lives, we are either in victim (poor me/I hate myself) energy or fighter/conflict energy (I hate you).

With both of these energies and mind-sets our attention and focus is more in a dis-empowering and negative direction, i.e.in the long run, these ways of thinking, believing and behaving, will create more negative destructive experiences and outcomes, than constructive and positive experiences.

Where your thoughts and attention goes, is where your energy will flow toward. This will be your created experience. 

Much of our degree of happiness, level of consciousness and success in life; has to do with our ability to focus and be attentive to the things that truly matter.

Ask yourself: What would truly contribute toward the growth and life enhancement of myself and others? Your answer to this question, is where your attention and focus is going. Creating the degree of happiness and inner peace you are experiencing.

This quote by the Spanish philosopher, Jose Ortega y Gasset speaks volumes to the power and influence attention and focus has in our life. “Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.”

Attention is your focus, so like I said with the law of attraction, where your attention goes is who you believe yourself to be, and thus what you will attract in your life.

If you are unhappy and unfulfilled with your experiences and their outcomes, keep reading I offer you these 4 steps to improve attention and focus:

1. Gain awareness of what your attention is focused on. This will begin to show you why you are experiencing the things and circumstances you are. This will also lead you to your core self-belief about yourself, and how you may be unconsciously reinforcing – feeding your core negative belief through your attention and behaviors. This awareness offers you clarity, to what needs to change within you.

2. With this awareness and clarity, change your attention and focus to what you truly desire. If your attention is more on what you don’t want, than you will create what you don’t want, because this is what you are communicating and thus broadcasting to yourself and the universe. The universe will always provide the experience you consciously, and especially unconsciously broadcast ‒ ask for.

3. Be clear and specific with what you pay attention to.
Be mindful, that a part of you wants to take your attention to the negative and self-defeating. This is the fearful and undeserving part of you, wanting to get the best of you and keep you in what you don’t want or deserve.

Become conscious of this defeating aspect of you. Gently counter this with self-love, worthiness and value. With this, shift your focus and attention, back to the good and wholesome things you desire in life.

4. Visualize yourself having these positive and worthy desires.
Like a GPS, despite the wrong turns and barriers that get in the way, the GPS, never loses focus or sight on the destination that it’s programmed to go to. Your heart, as much as your mind is your internal GPS, so allow it to keep your attention, focus and process on what you desire and truly deserve.

With positive attention and focus on what you desire you create awareness and clarity of your process ‒ the steps toward this desire. You create a “Can Do Belief” and mind-set. What you focus on becomes your belief.  What you believe – is what you can achieve. You create the energy, actions and motivation to achieve.

The power of a “Can Do” belief sets the mind and body toward that belief. This offers you the inspiration, focus, discipline, and the determination to achieve.

 

What are your thoughts on this article?  Please leave a comment.

Do you struggle with attention and staying focused on your goals? David Schroeder, can help you reclaim the love and goodness you are. If you would like assistance with learning to stay true to your desire and achieving them, David is here to assist you with his life transition coaching and counseling sessions. He offers in-person, by phone or Skype sessions. Visit his website at transitionpathways.com.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, a healthy and assertive way to help yourself and love yourself again.

David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. His practice, Transition Pathways helps people find healthy pathways to love, greater awareness and higher potential. David’s book, Just Be Love is available through my websites: transitionpathways.com or JustBeLove  Also available through online bookstores: amazon.com , barnesandnoble.com

 

Navigating Change and Transition: From Struggle to Opportunity

As a therapist and life transition coach, most people seek my services, because they are experiencing a life change and are struggling with the transition of this change. An aspect of love is the willingness and ability to move through the transition change creates.

Change comes in a variety of ways. Such as: getting married, birth of a child, a death of a loved one, a partner’s affair, a divorce, job loss or transfer, or a grown child going to college. Some transitions can seem positive on one hand, yet create change and adjustment from our norm. So you may struggle for a time, adapting to “what is” now.

There is a difference between change and transition in the following ways.    

  • Change happens first and transition occurs due to the change.
  • Change can be seen as a shift from a norm, transition is the process of moving from one norm/way of being to another. Transition is the adjustment and adaptations we make from the change.
  • Change is usually an external experience, where transition is more of an internal process.
  • Change is often more sudden, more visible and tangible. Transition is a slower process, less visible, more intangible.

Change for people can be difficult to accept and move through, both physically and especially emotionally. It’s natural to want the situation and/or person back to how it was (old way).  Many people need certainty and to know the outcome, within what has now changed (new way).

The resistance to change, the need for certainty and the need to know, in the mist of the unknown, are often what causes many people to struggle with change. The need for certainty and control, leads to fear and resistance; creating racing thoughts, and self-created perceptions of negative outcomes.

This will lead to distributive sleep pattern, drained energy, and little motivation to move forward. The end result can be depression and/or anxiety. We become stuck in the mud of a self-defeated mindset. The process of transition has now become more difficult and overwhelming.

For a time, some of this is all normal and part of our process transitioning through change.  It’s important, however, not to get stuck emotionally and physically for too long.

The longer we chose to stay in the emotional and physical fear, avoidance and resistance, the more unhealthy and unproductive power and control we give to the resistance and uncertainty of transition; this does little to change our perception, process and reality to the change.

Human nature is such that when things change, we tend to focuses more on what we believe we will lose or need to give up. Healthy transition through change, one should focus more on what will be the benefits and gains of this process.

These two key Steps begin the process of transition through change: Moving you from struggle to opportunity.

  1. Accept the things I cannot change: This is the first part of the Serenity Prayer from Alcohol Anonymous aa.org. This prayer or principle I believe, applies to all of us when we experience a change in life. There are many experiences in your life you cannot change, and you may feel and believe you are powerless and helpless because of this. You feel like choices/options have been taken away.

    The second part of the prayer says: The courage to change the things I can. The reality is, in life situations, the only thing you can really change is yourself. You change, by changing your perception, thoughts, belief and attitude. It takes acceptance, courage and willingness to change from within.

    The good news and opportunity of this is ‒ there is much inner power and transformation that takes place with the act of acceptance. Acceptance is extremely difficult for many people, yet its incredibility liberating when you allow it to happen within you. Acceptance helps you to focus on the benefits of transition through change, not what you believe will need to be given up or lost in the process.

    To have the willingness and ability to accept what you cannot change, and change what you can; is the fundamental way to begin to change, and reclaim your inner power and determination to move forward. Acceptance is an act of self-love, and a moving forward energy. It acknowledges and accepts “what is.”

    The process of acceptance, doesn’t mean you like what’s changed, rather you recognize that resisting the change only creates more struggle and pain. With acceptance you create an opening to begin to change from within, with regard to what’s change in your life.

    This process helps you begin to gain power in a different way. You see it was your own misguided perception and belief around the difficult situation, which really gave your power away. It wasn’t actually the situation/experience itself. True power and moving through transitions happens when we change from the inside-out.  Acceptance is the beginning of changing from the inside-out.

  2. See the experience and the required process of transition as an Opportunity: If you are resisting the change, you’re likely seeing the change as a threat and the enemy. It’s something to deny, blame, and escape from. These are the mindsets and ways of our fragile and wounded self. This part of us wants to numb the pain and have someone else make it better/or back the way it was.

    It’s important to see and ask yourself: How are my perceptions and beliefs helping me move through this change? What is my pain and resistance reinforcing in me, that keeps me in this state of suffering?  Often in difficult times of change we become our worst critic and enemy, rather than a best friend and ally.

    When you are ready and able, it’s important to see the change, as the teacher and opportunity. Yes, transitions through difficult times, offer you the opportunity for learning and growth. The process of creation, birth and growth begins in the darkness and the struggle.

    The natural world teaches us the importance of the struggle. Take for example, of how the caterpillar transforms into the butterfly, from the struggle within the cocoon. For without the struggle, how would you learn, find a higher meaning to your experience, and grow?

Life is not meant to be easy, it’s meant to be meaningful. When you change your view of the situation, you create the higher meaning of your circumstance, and this allows for the opportunity to transition and transform yourself in empowering ways.

When you alter your thoughts and view of the change, you reduce your fear, your resistance and struggle around the uncertainty. Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

Change and the process of transition, calls us to be open and willing to reframe our belief and choices around the situation; this is how we learn and grow from the difficult and painful experience.

Although change can seem scary and threatening, the true intent of life experiences, especially the difficult and painful ones, is to help us heal, grow wiser, and become more accepting and loving human beings, both to ourselves and with others. Accepting that life is impermanent, that things change, helps you realize, life is about change, and learning to transition‒ adjust and adapt.

Being Honest, Open and Willing, especially with yourself, is part of the HOW to accept the unacceptable, and begin the journey of transitioning from what was‒to what can be.

Want to learn more about love and transition check out my book: Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. www.justbelove1.com, www.amazon.com, www.barnes & noble.com

Are you struggling with moving through a change in your life? Please contact David Schroeder, if you would like assistance with moving through a life change and how to work the process of transition. David offers life transition counseling and coaching session’s in-person, by phone or Skype. Visit his website at transitionpathways.com.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength, a healthy and assertive way to help yourself transition through change.

The Healing Power of Laughter

Over the years, working with people with emotional struggles and resistance to life changes; I’ve come to appreciate, two of the biggest barriers to happiness are: fear of foolishness & taking oneself too seriously.

Life is a serious adventure, yet the key is to take one self lightly within it. 

When you were growing up, did you ever find something funny and you started to giggle or laugh. Than a parent, grandparent, or a teacher said… Don’t laugh, that’s not funny? Yet, deep down inside you, your funny bone was tickled.

Many people learned growing up, that in order to be mature, you have to be serious. That if you are having fun, you are not being good and you are not doing your job.  We get conditioned to shut down our imagination and our childlike self.

Childlike vs. Childish:

We learned to shut down the part of us that is unconditional, accepting, spontaneous, playful and curious. Creative, patient, flexible, fearless, adventurous and joyful. The result, we become more fearful, doubtful, more controlling and rigid in mind and body.

We give up the childlike innocence and wonder, and as a result, we develop more childish behaviors being: conditional, inpatient, and controlling, demanding, whinny, selfish and unhappy. Or maybe we’ve become timid, doubtful, fearful, and anxious to take risk and step out of our comfort zone.

We learned being vulnerable is risky and painful. You will be judged as wrong and not enough. So you take both life and yourself too seriously, creating increase stress, wear and tear on your body, mind and spirit. 

Life is already full of stress, with our fast paced society, being full of expectations, judgment, the need for instant gratification, the overloaded of information, and obsession/addiction to technology and social media.

Research says that 90% of office visits to primary care doctors today are for stress related problems. Some researcher’s concluded that due our fast pace and information society, that we experience more stress (fight or flight response in different ways) in one year, than our ancestors did in an entire lifetime.

Many people hold their stress in by avoiding, resisting or being critical of self and/or others. This creates toxins in the body and creates distortions in thinking, belief and behaviors, which leads to dis-ease in body and/or mind.

There are only two times during the day that I’m under stress… day and night. Yes, the stress and pressures of life are increasing and getting more intense. The key is too not lose ourselves in it, and not take ourselves too seriously within it.  

The most frequently asked question on earth is. “Where’s the bathroom?” The   most disappointing question we ask when we pass on to the afterlife is … “Why did I take life and myself so seriously?”

Do you know why angles can fly?  They take themselves lightly.

The word humor means to be fluid, to flow.

A child laughs around 300 times a day; many adults laugh only a handful of times a day.

How laughter helps the Mind – Body:

If you laugh 100 times a day, that’s equal to 10 minutes on a rowing machine. Laughter is a wonderful physical and aerobic workout.

When you frown you use 62 muscles just in your face alone. When you smile and laugh you’re only using  24 facial muscles. Point is, it takes more energy and effort to be unhappy than happy. 

Laughter releases a brain chemical called endorphin’s, which is our natural feel good chemical. 

We have cells in our body called T-Cells, that is connected to our immune system. One of the ways this cell is ignited is by laughter, so laughter and joy helps boost our immune system.

In terms of relaxing and re-framing thoughts, a 10 minute laugh is equal to 30 minutes of meditation.

Laughter is a form of mindfulness, it brings you to the present moment. Life and love are experienced in the present.

We need at least 12 laughs and 5 hugs daily to stay healthy.

Both laughter and crying are innate healing tools, and forms of healthy emotional expression and release through the physical body. We laugh so hard we start to cry, and we cry so hard we begin to laugh. One emotion naturally leads to the other.

Think of laughter as your internal Tranquilizer with no side effects.

In our humanness, we have embarrassing moments; we do foolish things, make mistakes and wrong decisions. The key is to do them with enthusiasm. I believe in the positive power of insanity, it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. There are no mistakes… only opportunities for learning and growth.

We all have embarrassing moments, and when you share your embarrassing moment with others, many can often relate to having a similar embarrassing experience as well. You are really not alone in that embarrassment; it just seemed that way at the time.

The loneliness factor is becoming a major illness throughout the world. We can communicate and connect with people easier and faster than ever; yet, because some people can be so judgmental, critical and demanding, we avoid interactions.

Many of us become more isolated to protect or insulate ourselves from the judgment. Others can become verbally or physically aggressive, as a way to protect and defend themselves. Either extreme on this continuum leads to the perception of being judged misunderstood, so we become lonely and unhappy.

Laughter is a great way to connect with people. For humor and laughter, helps break down barriers and builds rapport. Laughter is contagious; when we start laughing people around us often start laughing with us. 

It’s not about using humor and laughter at the expense of someone. The true and divine intent of humor and laughter is to relax us, connect us and help us relate to each other. It’s a way to honor the similarities of each other, and accept our differences.

Humor and laughter helps us put life situations into perspective, to view difficult circumstances in a different light and way. When you change your thoughts and perspective, you change your world. 

Dr. Bruce Lipton said: “The moment you change your perception, is the moment you change the chemistry in your body.”

People often ask me. Does the divine creator have a sense of humor? I say, “oh yes, it loves to laugh and play, the divine has a wondrous playground that the earth is a part of, it’s called the universe.”

In scripture Jesus said: if you want to enter the kingdom be as a child.

What’s love and laughter got to do with healing?

Laughter and being childlike are expressions of love to the self and others. They promote constructive problem-solving and positive ways toward reconciliation and healing. Being childlike, takes you out of the resentment or victim role; moving you toward a healthier and joyful way of living and being.

 

Feel free to leave a comment below.

David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. My practice, Transition Pathways helps people find healthy pathways to love, greater awareness and higher potential. My book Just Be Love is available through my websites: transitionpathways.com  or  justbelove1.com Also available through online bookstores: amazon.com , barnesandnoble.com

 

 

Forgiveness: Moving Beyond the Injustice

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing tools we have for reconciling and moving beyond from the hurts and wounds of life. It’s also a profound act of love and acceptance, especially self-love. For when we forgive another person or ourselves for a wrong doing, we set ourselves free and we benefit the most from the forgiveness. Despite the healing and liberating power of forgiveness; for many of us, the act of forgiveness is one of the most resisted and thus difficult acts we can offer to others or ourselves.

I’ve come to appreciate the only reason we have forgiveness, is because we make something matter. When we make something matter, we create an intense emotional charge within us. So an unjust “cause” done to us creates a strong “effect”, often having lasting emotional, physical, social and spiritual “effects” on us. The act of forgiveness helps to lower the emotional charge and intensity within us and helps liberate us from the painful experience.

Forgiveness is not about excusing the offense or saying/believing it didn’t happen. Forgiveness is not really about the offender, it’s about the one who is affected by the cause, the one holding on to the anger, resentment, grief. Being trapped in resentment, anger, depression, grief; waiting for the offender to take responsibility and ownership of the hurt toward us, is giving away our own power, inner peace and freedom. The more we can take charge of our own healing without an expectation that the offender needs to say something to us, or do something for us, the more empowered and liberated we can be. The quote by Lewis Smedes speaks volumes about the importance of forgiveness: “To forgive is to set the prisoner free and to discover that that prisoner was you.”

Forgiveness is an act of love, and love is freedom. To forgive is to be free and a way to love. Forgiveness means to go beyond our wounded ego self, in order to free the self. The willingness to go beyond the wounded self is to rise as love, to let go of what no longer serves us, so in time we can be restored to wholeness. 

Perhaps you’re not willing and/or ready to forgive someone. That’s okay and where you are currently at. Forgiveness is not something to be forced upon or to do out of guilt, if you are not ready. One should be open, willing and accepting in order to truly forgive. Human nature is such that, we are all at different stages of willingness and readiness. If this be the case, at least consider the importance of reconciling within yourself how hanging on to negative perceptions, create toxic emotions of anger and resentment leading to paralyzing beliefs and resulting self-defeating behaviors. How all this can affect many areas of your life in ways that are not helpful to you.   

I offer you the possibility and opportunity of considering a process I call “inner reconciliation.” Inner reconciliation is a way of reorienting our perceptions and beliefs about the experience and ourselves within the fact that our life has been disrupted either mildly or severely by a wrongful act toward us. Our ego defenses and beliefs often says: “They wronged us/hurt us and so let’s stay mad, bitter resentful, etc, that way we have a sense of power and control; since we didn’t have power and control during the offending experience.” Our anger, resentment and such, become a lens through which we see ourselves and the wrong doing. Its destructive thinking, beliefs and behaviors we create as a way to keep feeding our hurt and pain, in order to keep it alive and justify it. This is only hurting ourselves now, within the fact that we were hurt by someone in the past. This is unfortunately how victim energy and behaviors begin to take root, and if not tamed and reconciled can become our way of life.

Like grief, forgiveness is a process and takes time, willingness and commitment toward moving beyond what has hurt us and seemed unfair. When we can change our perception and belief about the experience, we begin to change our world and the way we interact in it. The process of forgiveness, like moving through any change we experience in our life, is an inside job. The job and empowerment of moving through what I call the 4 R’s: Recognize: who and how I am being with my current perceptions, thoughts, beliefs, feelings/emotions and behaviors. We can’t change or move beyond something unless we acknowledge it and tell the true to ourselves about ourselves. Reconcile: The willingness to resolve the inner pain and torment. Release: To let go of what no longer serves and benefits us. This offers space for healthier and more empowering possibilities to enter into your reality. Reframe: Is to now choose to see the painful experience, yourself and the offender, in a different and more constructive way. To see the glass more full than empty. This creates the willingness and courage to construct a more positive and affirming belief about yourself, within the unfortunate experience.  

In my own life, I’ve had many opportunities to practice forgiveness in what seemed at first, an unjust cause. I offer two experiences. One, was my wife of twelve years wanting a divorce, at the time it didn’t seem fair and not my choice. I was hurt, angry and frustrated. In time, I came to a place accepting her choice and let go of making her responsible for my feelings and behaviors within the stress and change. She made her choice out of self-love and what was best for her. I also had a choice of how I would move through it and who I wanted to be within a difficult situation. The choice of hanging on to anger, sadness and resentment and such, would only take me down a self-destructive and unfulfilling path. Through accepting the things I could not change, forgiving her and myself, and empowering myself to change what I could, which was only myself, this allowed me to change my situation from the inside out and move on in my life, and be a better version of myself and a father. Years later my ex-wife and I are friends and get along well on behalf of our sons and grand children. 

Several years ago, while driving my car I was hit head on, by a driver who was attempting to pass the car in front of him. The driver of this car was ticketed for failure to yield the right of way and his insurance company settled with me. Several months after the settlement, this man decided to sue me for mental harm. It was amazing that it ended up in a jury trial. I was in disbelief and just dumbfounded how I could be setting in a courtroom on trial for something I didn’t cause. Fear, anger, and uncertainty filled my days waiting for the court appearance and the verdict. I was found not guilty. A part of me with its voice inside me, understandably wanted to turn around and sue this guy, and many people suggested this. But another voice inside said, let it go, just let him be, he’s an old unhappy man, no need to put more fuel in the fire. I had compassion for this man and his struggle with needing revenge and justice, while not acknowledging and accepting he was in the wrong. He taught me, you never win a war – with war. So I forgave the error. In his need to get back at me, he was unaware of what his anger and resentment was doing to himself. I was at peace and moving on with life.

This man was after all, another teacher and opportunity for me through this difficult life experience. Through his actions, he was offering me the opportunity of learning and practicing the gift of moving beyond the injustice and my wounded self, toward acceptance, compassion and forgiveness.

You see, when you realize we have choices within difficult, painful and unjust experiences to see the offender as the threat and the enemy or the teacher and the opportunity. Depending on how you view it and think about it, is how you will experience it. What we think about we bring about.  When we can accept and understand that our experiences are really our teachers and opportunities to practice acts such as: acceptance, compassion and forgiveness, we take the high road with love, creating the willingness and commitment to move beyond the hurt, and learn the lesson for soul growth and self-mastery. Is this an easy task to get too? No. Is forgiveness a liberating and life changing act to engage in, that offers higher meaning? Yes, for sure. Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be meaningful.

Questions to consider: Why might you struggle with forgiveness?  What would be the benefits of forgiveness for you?  How does acceptance and willingness aid the forgiveness process?  Feel free to leave a comment, share your answers to above questions, and/or share your experience with forgiveness.

 

David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. My practice, Transition Pathways helps people find healthy pathways to love, greater awareness and higher potential.  My book Just Be Love is available through my websites: transitionpathways.com  or  justbelove1.com Also available through online bookstores: amazon.com , barnesandnoble.com

What is Eros and Agape Love?

The Ancient Greeks had two main words to describe love, Eros and Agape.
Eros Love, is the most common way human’s love. Eros love is physical, passionate, sensual; a desire, a longing for another, but in an egotistic and objectified way. In Eros love, we struggle with freely loving just to love. With Eros love, I make the other my love object; and responsible for my happiness. Eros love is conditional, and is the love of need and feels it lacks. One has a desire to be loved, but with expectations to the one they say they “love.”  This type of love, loves to get something a payback, they form relationships based on “you owe me.” This love is always comparing and seeking what it appears to be more satisfying outside of itself. So we are rarely satisfied in relationship with another, because I may struggle with insecurities and self-love, I make people and things outside of me, responsible my happiness and contentment. 

Agape Love is spiritual divine-centered love. With Agape love, one has the awareness that it was created in the image of God, and this knowing dissolves any concept of separation into oneness. Agape love has no needs and makes no demands; its intent is offering understanding, and unconditional love, acceptance and good will. This love is the truest form of intimacy, a love without measure.  With Agape love the perception and belief of a threat or an enemy dissolves. For you see others as a reflection of yourself, so you see love as the teacher and opportunity to higher awareness and soul growth. The search for love ends, when I have the awareness that I am love,       I remember who I am. This is the desired freedom we seek. It’s the journey of the soul in human form.  Agape love is not about falling in love, this is Eros love. Agape love, is rising as love, to ascend in the energy and awareness of love, because love is who we are.

Signs Eros Love:
If you are with someone, who appears judgmental, controlling, demanding; presenting conditions to loving i.e. I’ll do this if you do that.” This is the withholding of love to get my own needs met, with little concern for the other person. If you need someone, to the point of losing yourself because you need them, you are being conditional or maybe in your neediness and dependency you can more easily be controlled and taken advantage of in relationship.  With others, if you need to be right more often than not, you are offering Eros love.  If you believe being with someone will make you happy, your love is Eros, because in time, you will make the other person responsible for your happiness, causing you to be more unhappy and unfulfilled. If you bounce from relationship to relationship, have had affairs; use food, alcohol, or porn, etc. to cope with and find satisfaction within a relationship; you are consumed in the unsatisfying love called Eros. 

Signs of Agape Love: 
Pure love, divine love is freedom. Agape love, offers a sense of freedom to the other person. You have a good awareness of self and a confidence, which allows you to be strong, yet flexible in the relationship; without losing yourself or pushing the other away. Your love is more unconditional and you value accepting people with where they are at; without judging or needing to change them.  One can easily compromise without a sense of feeling slighted or that you’ve gained the upper hand. Agape love is not a power over the other person; you embrace a relationship that is more inclusive and work toward having power-with the other person. You view your relationships as learning and growing experiences, especially during difficult/challenging times with this person. You often say to yourself within relationship experiences: “What is this person teaching me?”  “What am I to learn from this experience?”

Agape love is heart-centered. This type of love, offers awareness, acceptance and compassion to acknowledge that sometimes for the highest and greatest good, a relationship is no longer healthy and constructive. So out of love I set myself and you free, in forgiving and appreciative ways. Love is freedom and freedom is love.

The way to Agape Love: Is to first and foremost understand, accept and have the awareness that you are love. Reconciling our wounded past gets us on the pathway to this higher understanding and acceptance of the love that we are. This allows us to be more accepting and offer loving kindness to others.

Free your ego of selfish needs and wants. This minimizes the degree of conditions and expectations of how love should be. Divine love is the unconditional love and acceptance of the spirit of all that is. Pure and Agape love is free of conditions and expectations. This is the way to rise as love, happiness and freedom.

Which type of love do you think you express most often, Eros or Agape?  What makes this so? Which type of love would offer you more happiness and peaceful relations with others? Why?   Your answers are appreciated to these questions. Leave a comment about this blog.

 

David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. His practice, Transition Pathways helps people find healthy pathways to love, greater awareness and higher potential.  My book Just Be Love is available through my websites:transitionpathways.com  or  justbelove1.com Also available through online bookstores: amazon.com , barnesandnoble.com

 

Is your Heart Open or Closed To Love?

In my book, Just Be Love, I write about the importance of the heart as the seat of love in the human body and its experiences. The heart is one of the most important sensory organs in the human body. In the fetus, the heart starts beating before the brain is totally formed. The heart has its own neurons, as many, if not more than the brain. The heart may well be the true brain of the human body, since it is sending as much information to the brain in our head as this brain is sending to the heart. The human heart’s electromagnetic field is five thousand times more powerful than that of the mind. 

The heart holds the energy and expression of love. Imagine there is a doorway to love within the human body, and this door is through the heart. For many people, due to difficult and painful life experiences, love can seem to have gone wrong or broken apart. The heart can become guarded, even closed to protect the wounded self. When the heart is emotionally closed so is the door, and we can become fearful and cautious. So we’re not free and happy within the chambers in our heart. Then the mind follows the path of the heart, through fear, avoidance, resistance and non-acceptance of “what is.”  A closed heart contributes to a person becoming resentful, bitter, isolated and depressed. It’s like a dark prison, which we ordered ourselves to be confined to. Our inner judge; for various reasons saw fit to impose this self inflicted sentence, as a way to make sense of something that perhaps makes no sense or seems so unfair to us. We experience such inner torment and pain, which this prison seems to offer safety and security, as only a distorted illusion can do. Research has shown, we can become sick even die, from a closed, sad and lonely heart.

When the heart is open, we are free and vibrant, love flows within and through us, as a free flowing energy exchange called, giving and receiving.  An open heart is an including heart. Love is inclusion, fear is exclusion. An open heart is one that has found acceptance in “what is.” Acceptance is often the pivotal step toward freedom from the grips of grief, resentment, depression, anxiety, addiction, you name it. To put it simply an open heart is a free and loving heart, and is a way to expand the mind in possibilities. An open heart values the importance of expressing gratitude and appreciation. It allows for compassion, reconciliation or forgiveness to be. An open heart is the key to unlock us from the self-imposed prison we may be confined to.   

I offer 3 tips to open your heart to love and goodness. These can help alter your life in heartfelt and liberating ways.

  1. Be in Appreciation, Gratitude and Care, Toward Yourself and Others: This creates heart coherence i.e. balance, peace and harmony within the heart center; which will transfer to a calmer, more positive impulses, responses and behaviors from our brain.
  2. Do Your Inner Work, to Reconcile, the wound and/or grief of your past. Your heart does not create coherence i.e. openness, balance, peace and harmony, if it’s closed, bitter or sad. 
  3. Be Love: Allow yourself to accept you are love. In this gift of acceptance, give yourself permission to do acts of loving kindness to yourself and others, without conditions or expectations.

 

David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. His practice, Transition Pathways helps people find healthy pathways to love, greater awareness and higher potential.  My book Just Be Love, is available through my websites:transitionpathways.com  or  justbelove1.com Also available through online bookstores: amazon.com , barnesandnoble.com

 

Reclaiming Our Self-Worth

It seems the need and search for love and acceptance dramatically impacts our sense of self-worth. Yes, we get hurt in the name of love and some people don’t accept us for who we are. In this, we believe love can hurt. But that’s not the truth. Its actually our expectations, judgment, need for control, our feeling of rejection, loneliness, and loss that hurts. These are the results of fear, our belief we are not enough, we are not lovable, which closes the heart and thus we diminish our sense of worth.

The feeling of unworthiness is most often the byproduct of growing up. Many of us have had unpleasant experiences throughout our life. Painful and traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, create lingering physical, emotional and spiritual scars in body, mind and spirit. Growing up, intently or unintentionally we get wounded in a variety of unloving ways. In my book, Just Be Love I mention the “five core wounds” of the human personality: Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, Injustice and Humiliation. We generally have one of the first three listed as a primary core wound and from this wound let’s say: Abandonment, comes one form the last two, Injustice or Humiliation, say Injustice. So my core wounds would be Abandonment and Injustice, because they have the strongest emotional charge for me, when I think about my life from childhood to present. These wounds have negative self-beliefs attached to them such as: I’m not enough, I’m not deserving, I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy, etc. These beliefs, along with the perceptions and feelings that go with them often create self-defeating behaviors and outcomes in certain areas of our life.

Our core wounds are often unconscious, and they get triggered by present experiences and people. If the core wound is not resolved, we can experience similar feelings/emotions and beliefs in the present situations, like we did during a difficult/painful experience when we were younger. In other words, the present experience, reminds the unconscious little boy or girl in us of a similar childhood experience, and so we feel and thus act out the present situation in unconscious and often immature ways. This is part of the human condition and living an ego with shadow parts. The ego or lower self, being our internal defense mechanism and internal police officer, that serves and protects us. The shadow is what we repress or deny within ourselves, or project on to others. If all this is left unconscious and unresolved within our psyche, it has unchallenged power and influence in our life. That often leads to low motivation, limited potential, low self-esteem, a disconnect with the spirit within, troubled relationships and  unhappiness.

The following are 6 ways to improve self-worth. Be gentle, patient and determined in the practice of these tips. Realize as you work these tips, the lower/wounded side of you will resist these and other tips you may seek to incorporate. It will do its best to talk you out of reclaiming your worth. Because, there is a part of you that doesn’t believe you are worthy, enough and lovable. If you give in to this part of you; you give away your power and sense of happiness, peace and contentment. The higher more loving part of you wants you to remember the love, worthiness and goodness you are. It’s time isn’t it? Out of love, give yourself permission, space and time to remember, and return to the love and value you are. The choice and opportunity is yours. If not now, when? The time is Now, love is in the now. Change and growth happens in the Now. Please say yes to loving yourself. What do you say? You can do it, and you so deserve to reclaim your worth and goodness. 

1. Important to Recognize: Become aware that you have diminished your self-worth, by the negative perceptions, thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself. We can’t change something until we are aware of it, and accept it. The first step to change is awareness and telling the truth to ourselves about ourselves, without shame or guilt. When we accept ourselves in this moment and how we’ve learned to be in life, we begin the process of changing it. This truth telling is an act of unconditional love and acceptance. The very thing we would like from others, we first should offer to ourselves. This is an act of self-love, showing concern and value to the self. This is changing from the inside-out, empowering ourselves, to be a better version of ourselves.

2. We are Always and in All Ways Love: Despite the difficult and painful life experiences, that may have seemed unloving and/or uncaring from others. It’s important not to give up the love and goodness we truly are. This is part of what we are to learn from our life experiences, not to lose the love and goodness we are. No one outside of us really takes our sense of love and worth away, we decide to give it away, because someone hurt us.

3. Reconnect with Your Shadow and Wounded Parts: This is an expression of compassion to the self. It shows concern and value for the parts of you that feel betrayed, rejected or abandoned. The parts of you that believe they are unworthy, unloved, or enough. Acknowledge and affirm to them they are doing the best they know how to be, yet you desire now to reclaim their innocence, to show them a better, more loving way to be and live. Tell them the truth of your innocence, divinity and goodness. Treat yourself as you would treat others, and want others to treat you; this is your birthright and part of your purpose.

4. My Mirror: Practice daily, looking in the mirror without shame, guilt or embarrassment. See, acknowledge and honor your innocence, beauty, strength, resilience and gifts. The true reflection from the mirror sees and knows your innocence, strengths, beauty and goodness. When we judge who we see in the mirror, we are withholding love and reinforcing unworthiness. To acknowledge our innocence and gifts reflecting in the mirror is offering unconditional love and acceptance, reinforcing our worth. I have a moving chapter in my book: Just Be Love, entitled Love and the Mirror, that offers a story and poem of “My Mirror.”

5. Commit to the Practice, of catching yourself falling into the gibes, belief and ways of your lower/wounded voice. Acknowledge the voice of the lower/wounded self, and say thank you for its opinion and how it’s may seem self critical and judgmental. However, we desire to be in the energy of love and acceptance for the wounded self, yet not give in to him or her. In this, than make the loving and caring choice to turn the negative self-defeating thinking into positive, uplifting and empowering thoughts and actions. It’s simply a matter of choice, and willingness to create a new habit within the mind. When you commit to yourself, you greatly reduce the emotions of the past to control your circumstances in the present. To say Yes to yourself, is saying Yes to Love.

Think of a situation when someone offers you something, but you really don’t want or need what they offer. The polite and empowering response to this person, is to acknowledge and appreciate their offer, by saying: “Thank you.” Then saying: “I am not in need of this offer.” In other words you are politely saying: “Thanks, but no thanks.” Practice the “Thank you” exercise to the lower self for expressing its opinion/perspective, yet say: “Thank you, but no thank you” to where it wants to take you with its thoughts and belief.  Share with the lower/wounded self, the more positive and affirming thoughts and belief you are choosing to hang with now and the benefits of this. Affirm, it’s negative and self defeating thoughts and views no longer serve you, and you are now choosing more positive and uplifting thoughts, beliefs and ways. You desire to affirm and live the ultimate truth of yourself, not your manufactured false truth about yourself you created years ago. Invite the lower/wounded part of you to come along with your more uplifting and empowering thoughts and beliefs. Notice how much better you feel, when you make a more loving and affirming choice for yourself. Acknowledge the self-love and goodness of this choice.  

6. Use Affirmations Daily, which seek to reinforce the truth of you, such as: I am love, I am innocence, I am freely loving myself, I am goodness, I accept all parts of myself and love them unconditionally. I am worthy, I am whole, I am compassionate to myself. I choose to be my best friend. I am a lovable, capable and worthy human being. I am a perfect, capable, lovable, worthy and radiant spiritual being, having a human experience. I am learning to be a better version of myself, and this feels good ‒ I deserve this worthy and good feeling.

As you journey back to worthiness, allow yourself to seek out support through friends and if needed experts in mental health.  Seeking support and/or assistance is a sign of strength and expresses value to the self. Call upon your “I Can” spirit to assist you in reclaiming your worthiness. With a compassionate heart and willing mind, summon the courage to change and create a new more empowering direction for yourself; and more loving, accepting connection with all parts of you.  Just Be Love – For only Love is real, and Who you are!

 

David Schroeder, LMSW, CPC from Grand Rapids, MI., is a licensed social worker, certified life coach, and author of Just Be Love: Messages on the Spiritual and Human Journey. His practice, Transition Pathways helps people find healthy pathways to love, greater awareness and higher potential.  David’s book Just Be Love, is available through my websites: transitionpathways.com/ or justbelove1.com/. Also available through online bookstores: amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com

 

Living Life as a STAR

As I wrote in my book, Just Be Love, I’ve come to appreciate the importance of being a STAR. It’s not about the star in the sky or being a movie or sports star. It’s about being a personal star in the game of life. Being more in our higher mind and heart-centered, rather than our in our ego and intellect state. The acronym for star in this case is to:  
  Surrender
  Trust
  Allow
  Receive                                                                                                     

Surrender: The STAR’s meaning of surrender, is not about giving in or giving up. It is not about focusing on what we believe we may lose; which is the human ego’s version of surrender. The spirits view of surrender is to let go of our human will and way, to the divine will and way. Spiritual surrender is the willingness to yield to the greater power and knowing, with the intention of gaining or benefiting for our highest good.

surrenderOne of the most difficult things for the human ego to understand and do, is to surrender its will to the divine will. Human nature is such that we tend to focus more on what we believe we will lose. We struggle to focus on the benefits of change and its call of surrender, so we become fearful and anxious, leading us to be protective, resistant and reactive. We want the status quo and to stay in our comfort zone. This is a primary reason why human’s struggle so with change and growth. There is no higher awareness and growth in the comfort zone and status quo. Change and transformation is a dynamic process, not a stagnant pond. Many of our life experiences call us to spiritual surrender-to accept the things we cannot understand from our human perspective. To surrender is to trust.


Trust
: Is openness and willingness, a sense of faith and hope in divine will and way. It is to believe in the divine’s loving guidance and grace. Faith is trust in the unknown and unseen, the things we desire, but are yet to be in physical form. Faith is a sense of hope, and hope is about the future, thus waiting. Our sense of trust and faith are tested in times of unknown and uncertainty. Trust is accepting that the divine universe always has our back and highest good in mind. Trust is the foundation of relationship building, and requires us to be vulnerable. With trust we can allow.

Allow: Is to accept and let life unfold within us and for us. It says ‘Yes” to love, life and the higher wiser self. To allow is to stand as a mountain, yet flow like water. Both the mountain and the water surrender, trust and allow, through strength, courage and flow. To allow is to be free of judgment and expectations, with no need for control or power-over. To allow is to receive.

Receive: Is to open ourselves to the gifts and wonders of the universe. Can you allow yourself to receive what the divine and your soul desires for you?  Many of ththe difficult and painful life experiences we have, are intended for us to receive unconditional love, acceptance and freedom, as we move through the struggle and pain. To receive requires us to feel worthy and deserving of the gift. We receive through the people, places and experiences that makes up our life. From the higher soul perspective, our life experiences offer us opportunities to be a STAR. To: Surrender, Trust and Allow, is to open our inner pathway to Receive divine love, goodness and truth.

What’s Needed Now is Acceptance

In uncertain times, we struggle with trusting the process. We are fearful, so we want control, we want to know the outcome, and we tend to predict a negative outcome ahead of time, while bypassing the process of “what is.” All this only feeds our fear, the sense of powerlessness, which fuels our anxiety.

Could it be in these uncertain times, that our individual and collective shadow aspects are being exposed more than ever? Could it be the duality of light and dark is coming more to the forefront to be recognized and reconciled within us individually and collectively? Sure seems like it to me, how about you? Transformation and growth always comes from the uncertainty and the struggle. Creation, birth comes from darkness.

Uncertainty, is a lesson and opportunity to practice Acceptance. So in this uncertain time, we are called to the act of acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like or agree with “what is.” Acceptance is to just be present to it. To be in the thoughts and behaviors of love and compassion with what is, rather than fear, resistance and resentment. Acceptance is to ride the wave of uncertainty, without losing yourself in the unknown of what is. Acceptance is shedding our will and way, and aligning with the divine power and will. With the knowing we will gain more than lose, as we trust and allow in the power greater than ourselves. Acceptance is getting to know/understand our neighbor, from their perspective, not just our own. To accept each others and our own (what we call) imperfections, is to discover the perfection. Perfection in spiritual terms, means to have Compassion for. The divine has compassion for all that is.

This quote below seems to fit for this current and uncertain time. All is right on schedule. The choice is always ours individually and collectively, as to who and how we want to be in times of uncertainty. I choose understanding, acceptance and compassion, for they equal Love! What do you choose?
Love & Light, David   quotescover-jpg-49

A Higher Meaning of the Term Soulmate

soulmate-image

In popular culture, dating sites, and various relationship writings, there is a common phrase used, called: Find your soulmate.  Like many words or phrases there can be a variety meanings or interpretations of what soulmate means. However, in order to truly understand the meaning of soulmate, you must be open and willing to think out of the box. But first let’s look at some definitions of soulmate from the dictionary.  “A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.”  “A person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament.”  “A person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs.”  “A person/s who is compatible with one other in disposition, point of view or sensitivity.” Each of these definitions speaks to being compatible with another person, but not with the one we live with 24/7, which is our self.

Many of us have the belief we aren’t lovable or enough or that we are incomplete, flawed, not whole. We struggle with finding meaning and inner happiness and peace. Our belief and sense of separation from that power greater than ourselves, along with feeling separate from other souls playing the art of human beings like us, takes us on the search for love and worthiness outside of ourselves. All this creates the illusion that I need someone or something to complete me, than I will be happy and content.  It creates barriers to attracting the partner or friend that can dance with us in life.

Society, through dating sites or pop culture articles, says this is how you find that person who can complete you. Ultimately, they do a dis-service to the readers and customers. They sell you on the idea and illusion that you are incomplete, and so the only way to completeness and happiness is by finding Mr. or Ms. Right, i.e. a person outside of yourself.  This thinking and believing is the main reason we struggle so much in relationship.  Your completeness and happiness will never be found outside of yourself.

c1e26f65a1658df0b4c9f629fff8ee06What would you say, if I told you, you are already complete; you are already whole, good enough, and especially loved. See I told you that you would need to think and believe out of the box. You come from a source that is greater than you and this source is love and complete. Since you are a creation from this source you are already love, goodness and complete. You have likely just forgotten this, because that’s part of what aspects of a soul chooses to do, forget, in order to take on their life experiences. What I call “Spiritual Amnesia.”  Our path back to remembering is an inside job, others assist us along the path, but we alone choose to remember ourselves as love and goodness or not.

Having said this, on the spiritual level, it my understanding the term soulmate means: The reunion with the lower (ego) self to the higher divine self. Than with this inner marriage/union, we unite back to the holy one (God or whatever name fits for you), the creator of all. To find your soulmate, is to connect with and reconcile your ego, wounded, and shadow self. Doing this you will connect more fully with your true and divine self. You unite back with your soul. You become more curious, conscious, and engaging with yourself and life, this creates intimacy within you. You begin to have a deeper more fulfilling connection and relationship with your soulful self, i.e. the essence of you. You mate with your soul; hence you found your soulmate.

By way of this inner union and reunion with the holy one, you can then more fully attract a soul or souls outside of you to dance in healthy and constructive partnership or friendship with you.